My Turquoise Bag

I was not having a good day. I had a heavy feeling of worry, anxiety and overwhelm in my heart for the past weeks, but especially that day, it felt the heaviest.

I am getting better at accepting bad days. The previous version of myself would have utterly resisted them. I used to feel guilty or angry at myself whenever a hard day (or week or month or season) inevitably happened. Maybe because I was conditioned to believe that I should never feel negative emotions, and that I should “always look on the bright side”.

These days (thanks to therapy and my quest to better understand my triggers), I recognize when a bad day is happening, and I accept it. “Today is a bad day, and that is okay. I have survived challenging days before, and I know I can survive them again”, has been my updated mantra.

My next method to soften the heaviness of a bad day is to actively do something that soothes me, whatever I need in that moment. Sometimes it’s baking, other times it’s blasting 90’s music, singing out loud and imagining I’m dancing with my 11 year-old self. Other times it’s a late night McDonald’s order or a good cry in my husband’s arms.

That day, I needed to step outside and wander.

Just a few steps into my walk, a flash blizzard began. Right before my eyes, the skies transformed into a blurry whiteout and the wind blasted icy pellets of hail and snow on my face. Normally, this would irritate me. But not that day.

I welcomed the storm. I leaned into the icy wind and walked with more determination, rather than abandoning my plans and turning around back home. In a weird way, I felt like the wind and snow was washing away the tension I felt inside. Or perhaps it matched what I felt. Either way, this storm was fitting.

I sought shelter at White Squirrel and ordered a hot chocolate. I gazed around the cafe as the barista prepared my drink, and I thought of all the times and seasons I came here with my husband and with friends. Ice cream in the Summer and spiced lattes in the Fall were all had at this little coffee shop over the years. I am really going to miss it here, I admitted to myself.

Hot chocolate in hand, I stepped outside and the sun glared on my face. Just like that, the storm was over. I hadn’t packed my sunglasses, so I squinted my way across the street to Trinity Bellwoods Park.

I felt like I needed to sit down and take a few deep breaths. I spotted a picnic table and walked towards it. Just before sitting down, right there in front of me, these words were written on my chosen picnic table:

SIT AND REST WEARY TRAVELLER. LIFE IS LONG, TAKE YOUR TIME =)

I sat down and immediately started to cry. These words felt like a cosmic understanding of the entanglement in my heart. They felt like a comforting arm around my shoulder.

After a few teary deep breaths under the sun and a few sips of my hot chocolate, I called my parents. My Dad had returned home from the hospital. He sounded good. That instantly made me feel relieved. After I hung up, I decided I will take the train the next day to spend a few days with them. I just wanted to be near them and hug them safely in my arms.

I re-read the carefully written words on the table one more time before heading back home.

The last four years have been a constant sequence of interruption and change. Just as we adjust, or finally reach peace after overcoming a challenge, something new comes along and disrupts that peace. During a time of uncertain futures and existential anxiety, all I wanted was…even ground.

But if I learned anything about myself in those four years (and what the words on that picnic table reminded me of), is this:

• I am capable of navigating uneven grounds.
• I can trust myself.
• I am allowed to rest.
• Answers will come in due time.

It seems that all I needed to soften this bad day was a cup of hot chocolate, a call with my parents and a gentle reminder to have faith.

To whoever wrote those words on the picnic table at Trinity Bellwoods Park: thank you. I will keep those words nearby whenever I will inevitably need them again.

I am sharing this here with you, dear reader, in case you also need this reminder.

💚